Category Archives: pointless

What Ice Cream Sandwiches Should Taste Like

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I had one of the most perfect ice cream sandwich experiences recently. And it demonstrated to me what ice cream sandwiches should taste like.

Uh, like bread and ice cream?

…Oh, have you never had an ice cream sandwich before?

Uh… no. Most of us don’t have ice cream. I’ve had it a few times, when we performed exceptionally well for wizards who have their magic freezing boxes. But none of us would put ice cream between bread!

Haha, no. that’s not an ice cream sandwich. There is no bread in one. No, a normal ice cream sandwich is made of two cookies sandwiched around a nice serving of ice cream.

That does sound a lot better than what I thought.

It is. And then I made it even better.

So, I recently baked some home-made graham crackers-

-Graham cracker?

They’re sort of a crunchy cookie-ish thing. They’re normally bought from local stores; fairly cheap, too. Quite a common snack for younger children. I’d never actually had a home-made graham cracker before!

So you decided to make some for… fun?

Bit of a funny story there, actually. I wanted a graham cracker, but we didn’t have any where I live. So I decided to try to bake some to make up for it. And then I realized we didn’t have an ingredient. So I bought that ingredient, and didn’t bother buying the graham crackers themselves.

But I digress.

So, I home-baked some graham crackers. And they started off crunchy, but sort of went a little softer over time. In fact, they made the perfect “sandwich” part of a home-made ice cream sandwich. Especially with gourmet coffee ice cream in between! It was amazing.

It tasted… like happiness. And thunderstorms. With a touch of fairy-dust and dancing unicorns thrown in for good measure.

You’ve tasted dancing unicorns?

What? Of course not! That’s hyperbole!

…ah. I take it you haven’t actually eaten fairy-dust either, right? Or a thunder storm?

Of course not! That would be impossible.

Right… Different worlds. Don’t mind me.

We never do.

Anyways, Fluffsters, happy Saturday! I hope you have a great weekend.

How to thoroughly bore yourself

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Greetings, Readers!

From what I understand, your world is currently experiencing Summer.

One of the staples of Summer, from what I can gather, is perpetual boredom. After you are bored, solutions can be considered. But until you are bored, what point is there to any of the solutions? After all, if something isn’t broken, don’t fix it.

Huh. I’d always remembered it as “if it isn’t broken, fix it until it is!”

…

But I digress. Today, I am here to give you a list of ways to try to live your Summer to its fullest: By becoming bored.

5 Ways to Achieve Boredom

1) Sit in a very crowded room, with nothing to do. Especially if you cannot communicate with anyone. I’m sure you were thinking my first recommendation would be to find someplace quiet and sit. That is a bad solution. If there’s nothing else going on, you can think. If that fails, you can take a nap. With a crowded room, however, you cannot concentrate on anything. You cannot even concentrate on your own thoughts! Believe me, this is one of the best methods for achieving boredom.

2) Try to read a textbook on advanced empirical methods for statistical studies on the eating habits of the fruit-fly. Or something equally esoteric. If you’re a statistics nerd, try reading James Joyce.

3) Do 2… in Hebrew. Greek, if you already know Hebrew. That way you have even less chance of understanding what’s going on. That confusion will inevitably lead to boredom.

Wait a second… I don’t think it’s possible to have less of a chance of understanding what’s going on. You can’t have less than a zero-percent chance of something, right?

Ah, I can tell that you haven’t read “Advanced Empirical Methods for Statistical Studies on the Eating Habits of the Fruit-Fly.” The statistics would explain that possibility to you.

4) Put the fluffiest piece of music you can find on perpetual loop, and lock yourself in a room with it for a week. This is actually very similar to 1. But this has the added bonus of killing 7 days!

5) Paint some ebony black, an emerald green, a ruby red, or ivory white. Do your best to match the colors. Please note, this will be a slightly more expensive option.

I hope, dear readers, that this helps you attain the full Boredom that is promised with Summer! Have a fantastic Thursday!

Projectile Paint Ruined my Pants.

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Yup. True story.

I was doing a mini project while waiting for some dough to chill so that I could roll it out. I needed paint. Just a small, tiny, miniscule drop of paint. So I got my paintbrush primed, and pressed on the paint-bottle, and a dab of paint went flying. It wasn’t until at least an hour later I realized that it landed on the knee of my pants. Rather, just above the knee. I blame the Rainbows.

…Of course you do.

They were comfortable jeans, too!

And the paint is designed to work on fabric, so I probably won’t be able to get the stain out.

On the bright side, the project ended up turning out fairly well! (It’s a gift-ish-thing for a friend, so I’ll be posting pics after a while.)

But how about your day, Fluffsters? Do anything interesting? (Anything interesting happen to you?)

Golf Ball Video Camera

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Hello, Fluffsters! It’s a bit past my bedtime when I’m writing this, so my apologies in advance.

You know, if you don’t have an Idea you could always let me write your Fluff…

No, no. I’ve got an idea. It just might not be a very good idea.

You see, my idea is this:

What would happen if you were able to turn a miniature video camera into a golf-ball?

…You’re right. Not a very good idea.

But it is an idea.

By rough definitions, yes.

So going back to the question. I think that one or more of several events might occur.

First, the video camera might break. That would be sad. So whoever was using it would need to be fairly careful with it, to make sure it wasn’t hit too hard.

Second, it might make watchers queasy. After all, flying through the air (and possibly spinning?) at such high speeds is sure to be disconcerting…

Third, it would prove that we can call anything science. “Why did you design a video-camera golf-ball? SCIENCE!!1!”

Fourth, it could be used as a spy device by the Rainbows. Don’t ask me how, but I know they could hack into the video system somehow.

How about you, Fluffsters, any other thoughts?

Days of the week: Sunday

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Hello, Fluffsters! Happy Sunday!

You know, why do they even call it that?

…What?

Sunday. Why is it called that?

It’s frequently cloudy. Or rainy. So why is it “sun” day?

I guess that if you look at the frequency of how often it’s sunny, the distribution would be such that probably about 1/7 of the sunny days are Sunday… right? I mean, if they’re evenly distributed?

Uh, yeah…

And why only sunny days? Why don’t we have Rainiday? Or Cloudiday?

Wouldn’t it be Randay or Cloday? Just going from the rules the rest of the days of the week lay down?

Huh, you might be right! Which would explain why we don’t use them: It just sounds unnatural!

Thanks, Fluffy! You really helped clear that up.

Uh… right. Sure. You’re welcome?

But yeah. So, happy Sunday to you all! I hope there’s a lot of brightness in your day today. And have a wonderful week!

Qualifying for a Qualifier Competition

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Hello, Fluffsters!

Happy Saturday! As usual this month, that means there’s a new design in my CafePress New and Now section.

…”If you use enough qualifiers, you’re usually right”? Where did that come from?

Heh. Funny story, that…

In real life, I sometimes have a tendency to use what some people consider to be a few too many qualifiers in real-life speech.

Oh. Just in real life, I see.

…What?

Anyways, a few people may have mentioned this a time or twelve. Per day, it sometimes seems. So my usual reply is that with my use of qualifiers, I’m seldom wrong. After all, I’ve mostly just said that certain things might be true under some circumstances.

Huh. Are you working on a thesis of some sort?

Not as far as I’m aware… Why do you ask?

Oh, no reason…

Hm. Yeah. Back to the topic. You see, I thought that it might be amusing to create a shirt design that explained my logic.

…Yeah. Looking back at this post, if there was a competition for abusing qualifiers, I’d bet on you.

Uh… Thanks?

Anyways, happy Saturday, Fluffsters!

If a 404 page is deleted…

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Hello, Fluffsters! Happy Wednesday! (Halfway through the next week, yay!)

Fluffy got me thinking yesterday.

Really? How exciting!

Yes. You see, I’m wondering what would happen if someone deleted their 404 template?

So, what happens is people try to access a web page that doesn’t exist. And then the 404 page comes up.

If the 404 page doesn’t come up, do people get sucked into the internet as it fails to resolve, and creates a black hole into the network?

You know, I’m really sorry I asked…

But that’s just one hypothesis. What about you, Fluffsters? What do you think happens when the 404 page cannot be found?

Silver Linings

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“Every cloud has a silver lining.” That’s some sort of common expression, right Fluffsters? And it’s supposed to be “happy cheery yay goodness sunshine and flowers!” in sentiment. Right?

Well I don’t get it. If every cloud has its silver lining, that is just scary.

Is this another of your “rainbows are out to get me” style conspiracies? If so, I’m leaving.

Is that a threat, or a promise?

Threat. You can’t get rid of me forever, you know. And who knows what mischief I could get up to? I might assassinate your 404 page, for example!

That… would be totally ironic.

But I digress. No, it’s not in the same exact style as the rainbows. I mean, in this instance I’m genuinely confused. Clouds with silver linings? And that’s a good thing?

I mean, there are two ways that that could happen.

1) The clouds have gaseous silver in them. If anyone came in contact with a cloud, then, they’d die. Painfully.

2) The clouds have genuine solid silver linings. In that case, the silver linings won’t stay up for very long. And instead, they’ll fall out of the sky. And probably hit some poor old granny on the head, and send her to the hospital! Or a child. Or a puppy. Any of those options would be horrible! Don’t you agree? I mean, isn’t it just a bit more than a bit disturbing?

…I thought you said this would be different from your rainbow post.

It is. For several reasons.

Oh no. You’re going to list reasons why this is different?

You asked! So here you go.

1) This is about clouds. Not rainbows. QED, it’s different from my rainbow post.

That does not count as a reaso-

2) This isn’t nearly as bad as a direct parallel would be. A direct parallel would be something like “the silver follows me everywhere I go.” Or “The NSA put the silver up there to amplify its abilities to spy on the American population.” No. This is genuine confusion, not paranoia.

So, wait. You admit that your fear of rainbows is paranoia?!

Hey, simply because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you!

…You got me there.

Yes!!

Anywho, happy Tuesday, Fluffsters! I hope your week has started well.

“Queen” Elizabeth I?

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Greetings, Fluffsters! Happy Sunday!

I read an absolutely fascinating article yesterday. About Queen Elizabeth I. It turns out, she might not have been a “she” after all! At least, not upon coming queen. Oh, I should just let you read it.

Wasn’t that fascinating? I never would have guessed!

Uh, Webmaster, you don’t actually believe that article, do you?

But it’s from a .uk ending.

…So?

That means it’s from the United Kingdom.

Right. And the relevance of this…?

Everybody knows that if you speak in a British accent, you sound authentic. Since this is from the United Kingdom, it must be written in a British accent. Which means it’s authentic!

…No. Just, no.

But… It’s a British accent.

Anyways, Fluffsters, I hope you have a wonderful Father’s day!

Purple Dancing Elephants

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Hello, Fluffsters!

So, I’ve noticed this odd trend on Facebook recently. A number of my friends spontaneously declare that they are Purple Dancing Elephants. Odd, right?

There are about two things wrong with your previous paragraph, Webmaster.

First, the fact that people refer to themselves as… what?

Purple Dancing Elephants. Or occasionally Purple Prancing Pachyderms.

Ah. Right. Yes.

 

So what’s the second problem?

YOU calling something odd.

Oh, come on. Surely I’ve called something odd before. And anyways, isn’t it a bit unexpected?

I’m not entirely sure what it even means!

Alright, so I do have a theory. Several possibilities, actually.

1) It’s a secret password. Post “I’m a purple dancing elephant” on your wall, and people will know you’re one of them. And you can now show support and solidarity for your fellow Purple Prancing Pachyderms!

2) It’s a sign of the upcoming invasion of the trans-dimensional Orange Surly Kangaroos. And it’s their secret password. You see, the Orange Surly Kangaroos, (just like you, Fluffy,) are somehow in a different dimension from ours. And the only way they can communicate is through Facebook accounts, and the users thereof! So every time someone posts that they’re a Purple Dancing Elephant, it’s a sign that the orange kangaroos have gained one more member. And before you ask, yes, it’s the Orange Surly Kangaroos. Because it’s the opposite of what people would expect! And if the kangaroos are from a different dimension, and they’re speaking in this dimension? Clearly they’re smart enough to know about reverse psychology and stuff.

Clearly.

3) Everyone who posts has spontaneously turned into a purple dancing elephant. With some sort of telepathic ability that allows them to post on Facebook, of course.

Of… course.

So, Fluffy, what are your thoughts? Why do you think people post that they’re purple dancing elephants?

Well, given that I’m inclined to doubt that people in your world spontaneously transform into large quadrupeds of abnormal coloration, I imagine your third option is out. Of the other two remaining, I think the secret password is far more likely.

From what I know of your world, though, I’m inclined to think that none of the options mentioned above are quite accurate. I think it’s far more likely that it’s just some sort of prank people pull on each other. If one person forgets to log out on another’s computer, for example, I could imagine the owner of the computer posting something ridiculous on that person’s wall.

…

Nah.

Anyways, Fluffsters, happy Saturday! Are you doing anything interesting this weekend?

Oh, and before I forget, check out my new “I’m a purple dancing elephant” design on my CafePress store! Please? I’m really happy with how the illustration turned out, the products are at a discounted rate for a week, and I’d love any feedback you can give!